Communication is at the heart of every relationship. When couples come to my practice, I often hear: "We just can't talk to each other anymore" or "Every conversation ends in a fight." The good news: communication can be learned. Here are five ways that can help.
1. Actively Listen Instead of Waiting for Your Turn
True listening means fully engaging with your partner - without simultaneously formulating your own response. Try summarizing what was said in your own words before responding. "If I understand you correctly, you feel..."
This simple technique shows your partner that you really want to understand. You'll be surprised how much this improves conversation quality.
2. I-Statements Instead of Accusations
Instead of saying "You never clean up," try "I feel overwhelmed when there's so much disorder." I-statements describe your feelings and needs without attacking your partner.
The difference is enormous: With accusations, the partner automatically goes on the defensive. With I-statements, space opens up for understanding and joint solutions.
3. Choose the Right Moment
Important conversations need the right setting. On the go, when the children are calling or one has just come home from work is rarely the right moment.
Consciously schedule times for important conversations. "Can we talk calmly about ... this evening?" gives both the opportunity to prepare.
4. Take Breaks Before It Escalates
When emotions run high, it's nearly impossible to communicate constructively. Agree on a signal with which one of you can request a break - without it being seen as flight or abandonment.
Important: Also agree on when the conversation will continue. "I need 20 minutes now, then we'll continue."
5. Express Appreciation
In long-term relationships, the positive often goes unspoken. But appreciation is essential. Regularly say what you value about your partner - including the small things.
A simple "Thank you for..." or "I think it's great how you..." can work wonders.
Conclusion
Better communication takes practice and patience. Start with one of these tips and observe what changes. If you feel stuck as a couple, professional support can help.
In couples therapy, we specifically work on your communication - with practical exercises you can also use at home. Feel free to contact me for an initial consultation.